Friday, June 10, 2005
My Child is Smarter Than Your Child--Nyaah, Nyaah
Sounds childish, doesn't it? Most of us don't say it in those words, but it is the underlying sentiment when parents get together to compare notes. When our children are infants we brag about how early they sat up, crawled, walked, or spoke. As parents of preschoolers, it's knowing the alphabet and numbers, then reading and writing. As the children grow, is becomes contests and science fairs, getting into gifted and talented programs or skipping grades. Ultimately, it becomes, "my child, the doctor" or "my child, the lawyer."
There are so many ramifications to playing this game. I think it starts out at least partly being a genuine concern for your child. All of us, I am sure, have looked at our babies and wondered if they are developing appropriately and whether we are doing what we should to ensure that. Comparing notes is helpful then--it reassures us when we see that other kids are right along with ours. It can help us discover problems--if everyone elses children have been talking for months, you know it's something to bring to your pediatrician's attention.
However, for the most part, I think we have to strive to not get caught up in playing this game. It is a destructive one. It can lead to pushing your child to do things according to someone else's schedule. It can lead to your feeling disappointed in your child when he doesn't meet that schedule. It can lead to your child's feeling frustrated and resentful--even to the point of rejecting what you are pushing, whether it be using the potty, learning to read, or going to the "right" university. The more you push, the more he rejects. The more he rejects, the harder you push. One of you will eventually give up--but the anger, frustration, disappointment, on both sides, will remain.
Even if you don't push the child to perform according to some external, superbaby schedule, it can still be destructive to participate in the oneupsmanship game when with other parents. If you participate, then you are buying into the group's schedule and values. You are measuring yourself as a parent and your child as a person by the group's yardstick. You may find yourself and your child don't measure up. You may feel insecure or that you've failed.
Thoughts along these lines seem to have been in the air, lately. I read a post over at Homeschool Mom that prompted me to write about my thoughts. (Click on the headline to read her original post.) I think that as a homeschooler it is both easier and harder to step away from playing the Smarter-Than-Yours game. The very fact that I have decided to homeschool means I have broken away from the group. They will begin talking about teachers, and bus rides, and grades, and peer pressure. I will have little in common, little to compare. That will make it easier to stay out of the game.
However, I know that the temptation to play will remain. If I can brag about how well Thomas is doing, in the midst of others complaining about school, then I can reassure myself that I have made the right choice. I would bet that this temptation to reassure ourselves is common among homeschoolers, especially those who are new or who have family and friends who question their decision to homeschool. After all, how can you argue with success? If you can show your cousin that your child knows his multiplication tables forwards and backwards a year ahead of his child, then you can shut down his concern that your child won't learn outside of school.
I would argue, though, that this type of reassurance comes at the expense of your cousin and his child (which isn't nice) AND at the expense of your own child (which is too high a price to pay). Again, going back to the idea of pushing your child--if your child knows his multiplication tables SO THAT you can best your cousin and silence your critics, then maybe you need to re-visit why you are homeschooling in the first place. Surely you are homeschooling because you feel it is in the best interests of your child. And isn't one of the great advantages of homeschooling that you can respond to the child's individual interests, abilities and needs?
I hope as our family goes forward through the homeschooling process, that my husband and I don't succumb to playing this game. I know that I will be tempted, but I have to have a deeply felt sense of the rightness of what we are doing and a pure commitment to doing it right--right for Thomas, that is.
Read or Post a Comment
Hello! Welcome to the Blogosphere!
I saw that you had me linked and thought I would stop by and say hello!
It is good to meet you! Keep up the great posts.
In Christ,
The Blogging Boy Scout,
Travis
Thank you for your very insightful comments and thanks for the mention of my blog.
Great blogging!
I was somewhat surprised when I realized that I was letting the opinions of others influence my thinking about the education of my child. I will need to be diligent about considering my reasons for homeschooling and my child's needs, as you rightly pointed out.
I look forward to visiting here often.
Travis, thanks for the welcome and the compliment!
Victoria, you're quite welcome. I think that it will be neat for us to keep up with each other as our boys are the same age. I know I'll be stopping by your place often, too.